Infidelity Counselling: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity

Why Infidelity Hurts So Deeply.

• Betrayal equals trauma. Brain scans show affair discovery activates the same regions as physical pain.
• Common but isolating. The Institue for Family Studies found that roughly 20% of married men and 13% of married women admit to cheating.
• Divorce risk is real. According to Psychology Today, unfidelity is named in 57% of break-ups.

Early professional help slows panic, protects mental health, and sets the stage for repair.

The Gottman Trust Revival Method in Plain Language.

The model unfolds in three stages: Atone → Attune → Attach

Think of it as cleaning a wound, knitting skin, then regaining full movement.

Stage: Atone.
Goal: Stop the bleeding and show honest remorse.
Time Focus: Days-Weeks

Stage: Attune.
Goal: Rebuild emotional safety and mutual understanding.
Time Focus: Weeks-Months

Stage: Attach.
Goal: Create a new bond with rituals, intimacy, and shared dreams.
Time Focus: Months-Year

A trained Gottman counsellor guides every conversation, keeps blame balanced, and tracks progress with structured tools.

Stage One – Atone: Stop the Bleeding.

Key Elements:

1. Full disclosure. The involved partner shares a factual timeline, no trickle truth.
2. Zero contact with the affair partner. Block numbers; write a decisive goodbye letter if needed.
3. Transparency rules. Share phone, social, and bank access for a set time frame.
4. Empathy in action. The hurt partner asks any question, the involved partner listens and answers without defensiveness.
5. Safety plan. Both partners sleep, eat, and exercise to stabilise bodies flooded with cortisol.

Practical To-Dos:

• Use a “24-hour honesty” rule: any new detail surfaces within one day.
• Schedule two short check-ins daily, stick to facts, not analysis.

Counsellor’s Role:

A certified Gottman therapist creates a safe room, moderates disclosure, and normalises trauma responses so neither partner feels “crazy.”

Stage Two – Attune: Rebuild Emotional Safety.

Key Elements:

1. Open-ended questions. “What hurts most right now?” invites depth.
2. Stress-reducing conversation. Ten minutes each night on non-relationship stressors.
3. Validating statements. “Your feelings make sense to me” lowers heart rates.
4. Love Map update. Partners learn current hopes, fears, and favoured comforts.
5. Repair attempts. Gentle humour, an apology, or a soothing touch to reset rising anger.

Practical To-Dos:

• Try the “ATTUNE” acronym during talks: Awareness, Turning toward, Tolerance, Understanding, Non-defensive, Empathy .
• Keep conflict under 20 minutes; take a 20-minute break if flooded.

Counsellor’s Role:

Your therapist coaches active listening, uses biofeedback to spot flooding, and assigns at-home exercises such as journalling feelings before each check-in.

Stage Three – Attach: Build a Stronger Bond.

Key Elements:

1. Rituals of connection. E.g., morning hugs, Sunday planning sessions.
2. Shared meaning. Define family values, spiritual practices, or long-term goals.
3. Gradual physical intimacy. Start with safe touch lists, progress at the hurt partner’s pace.
4. Future-focused language. “When we retire, we will…” signals renewed commitment.

Practical To-Dos:

• Plan a weekly “State-of-Us” meeting: celebrate wins, tackle challenges, schedule fun.
• Create a joint vision board of trips, projects, and couple dreams.

Counsellor’s Role:

The therapist models affectionate dialogue, tracks ratio of positive to negative interactions (aim for 5:1), and introduces sensate-focus or other gentle exercises to reignite desire.

When to Seek Professional Infidelity Counselling.

The “You and I” approach can handle much, yet expert help speeds healing when:

1. Flashbacks, panic, or intrusive thoughts last over four weeks.
2. Angry exchanges become personal attacks.
3. The involved partner stays defensive or minimises.
4. You try DIY steps but feel stuck.

Research shows couples who finish structured affair recovery report higher relationship satisfaction than before the betrayal